Happy Birthday… – May 19, 2015

Well. It has been a pretty sucky and stressful week. I can´t really believe that tomorrow is my birthday. My thoughts have been occupied with other things.
But thanks for the emails. Especially the birthday memory one. It reminds me of the journal you wrote to me in those first few years. Sometimes I would read that back in highschool. There´s also one entry that Dad wrote on my first birthday that I could never read without bawling.
I love when you write  these memory sort of things.
I actually remember looking at lights when I was young, and fans. I watched windshield whippers too. Especially on school buses, watching how they would have a slightly different rate from each other. Blinkers on cars too. I don´t know why. The fans I would watch one blade, and try to separate it from the others to watch it´s rotations.
That´s so weird.
Anyway. I don´t really feel any physical pains or stress. Just fatigue. And resentment when others aren´t responsible and don´t seem to feel the weight of what they´re doing.
All there is in my life is numbers, and rules, and trying to be like Christ, but you have to have these numbers.
But then there are the moments when you have a baptism (after fighting and fighting, and getting these people to the church) and you feel good. For a moment. Then you start again.
Sorry for the angsty, and kind of hormonal email.
Love you. More than anything in the world.
Elder Schafer
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